


Batman & The Hulk Vs. PedoPriest

by Psyga315



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Doctor Strange (2016), Doctor Strange - All Media Types, The Incredible Hulk - All Media Types, X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Crack Crossover, Crossover, Gen, Inspired by a Movie, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, pedophile priests
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-29
Updated: 2016-09-29
Packaged: 2018-08-18 12:38:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8162332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Psyga315/pseuds/Psyga315
Summary: Shock and horror! A villainous priest has kidnapped all the children from the grand opening of the Gotham Holy Church! Only two Bruces, Banner and Wayne, can stop this devilish cleric! Will they be able to save the kids or will PedoPriest make their defeat in the spotlight? Only one way to find out, true believers!





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was my 15th fanfic on Fanfiction.net and I figured to base it off the movie that won the Best Film of 2015.

The evening was perfect for the Gotham Holy Church’s opening night as Bruce Wayne, one of the people responsible for funding it, made his appearance, coming out in a black limousine with Vicki Vale in hand.  He figured that faith, no matter what shape or size, is needed in the dark streets.

Among the crowd was Bruce Banner. While he was a member of the Avengers, Bruce still worried about his hulking out. From time to time, he would continue his shtick of walking the earth, at least until either Tony Stark created another enemy for them or aliens come out the wazoo and they would need his help.

Thankfully, this night was not one of those nights. Or so he thought.

“It is with great pleasure to accept the gratitude of Gotham City into allowing us to open up this church!” Father O’Malley said as the Mayor handed him a giant pair of scissors. He chopped the ribbon that separated both him and the church and as soon as the ribbon fell down, the mass of people walked into the church.

Inside, they could see tons of fancy church decorations. Surely, this was the work of Bruce “So Rich We Don’t Know His Net Worth” Wayne. Bruce Banner whistled as he marvelled at the shiny gold cross hung right by the altar.

“The stained windows are extremely lovely!” Vicki said as she pointed to a display of Jesus being crucified, presented in a colorful array of stained glass. Bruce Wayne smiled, satisfied that he contributed to Gotham not as Batman this time, but as himself.

The two Bruces looked at each other. They were separated by crowds of people, but they were able to point each other out in the crowd.

* * *

The celebration lasted through the night and soon, people began to get a little tipsy. Bruce Wayne, in his many years masquerading as a philanthropist, was able to stomach the alcohol. Bruce Banner, on the other hand, relied on his irradiated body to absorb the drink. As such, the two were the few people who remained sober.

“It’s weird, is it not?” Wayne asked as he walked over to Banner.

“What is?” Banner asked.

“We’re in a grand opening of a church, and yet we’re drinking…” He chuckled.

“Well, wine _is_ the blood of Christ.” Banner said. The two clung glasses. That’s when Wayne noticed something in the drink. He swirled it around before he threw it across the room.

“The hell?!” Banner jumped back in surprise, trying not to let the shattering scare him into hulking out.

“The wine’s spiked!” Wayne shouted. Just then, the people who drank the wine began to fall unconscious. The two Bruces then saw a group of shadowy figures rush in, snatching up all the passed out children they could.

“The hell!?” Banner said again. The shadowy figures looked at Bruce Banner and got out a pistol.

“Get down!” Wayne pushed down Banner as they fired. As Bruce Banner fell onto the ground, his heart raced. This was it. This was his trigger point.

“Get… off…” Bruce Banner’s eyes began to glow a bright, radiant green as he shoved Wayne off of him. He got up, muscles bulging as his skin began to shift to a greenish color. His nice suit ripped right off, leaving only his pants, now stretched to the point of being called shorts, on the hulking figure.

“Woah…” Was all that Bruce Wayne said as the Incredible Hulk roared and lashed out at the two gunmen. In no time, the men were knocked down. The Hulk looked to the exit and saw one more gunman carrying away children. The Hulk leaped over to the gunman, only for the gunman to knock the Hulk down with a holy light.

“HAH! Now I, the **PEDOPRIEST** , will have it _my_ way with these children! No more altar boys for me! I’m graduating to rich boys now!” The gunman took off his goonish outfit to reveal a more bright, white and golden priest clothing. He also had with him a golden staff with a cross on top of it. He cackled before he smashed a nearby window and levitated with a bright white light. Bruce Wayne, at the last second though, managed to hit the priest with a Batarang. It was smaller than the other Batarangs, but what it lacked in size it made up for in utility.

The Batarang began to glow red as Bruce Wayne took out his phone, turned it to GPS and looked at a blinking red dot on the GPS. He then turned to see that the Hulk is gone, and in his place was Bruce Banner, now with a ruined suit. Obviously, Bruce Wayne put two and two together.

“So… Green Giant?” Bruce Wayne asked.

“… Yeah. But we can talk about that later. Right now, we gotta save those children!” Banner said.

“Agreed. But there’s not really anything _I_ could do. _You_ , on the other hand.” Wayne then tossed Banner his phone. “Don’t worry, I have dozens of Androids at home.” He said. Banner cocked a smile.

“I was always an iPhone kind of guy myself…” The two stared at each other for a moment. “But thanks. This will work.” Banner then ran out of the broken window. Wayne sighed in relief.

“Thought we’d have to go through a civil war over that crap.” He said. He pulled out another Android and looked at his GPS.

* * *

Near a grassy field was a large McDonnell Douglas MD-82 with a thick green stripe and a red triangle on the back fin with the name “Alitalia” on the side was standing by as a black mini-van pulled up to it.

PedoPriest floated down by the plane as two goons got out of the car and started to haul the sleeping kids. 

“Good! Good! Load them up, lads! The sooner I’m in Rome, the better!” PedoPriest said. The goons did exactly as he said and began to drag the kids onto the aircraft. One of them woke up.

“Uuuuuh… W-where am I?” He then looked around. “Mommy? Where’s mommy? Daddy?” He began to whimper. PedoPriest knelt down and looked to the kid.

“I’m your daddy now…” He then smacked the kid with his staff, knocking him out, though breaking some skin on the kid’s forehead in the process. He smirked as the last of the kids were loaded up. He walked onto the plane as it began to take off.

* * *

PedoPriest laughed in the plane’s storage room as he gathered his ‘toys’ for the best night ever. Crates upon crates were piled on, with the top ones being filled with dirty magazines of every sort of orientation possible, gay, straight, lesbians, but surprisingly no three-or-moresomes. He took out a notebook and crossed off “kidnap kids.” The other three items on the list were ‘go to Rome’, ‘???’, and ‘Profit!’. He cackled before a loud **THUD** was heard from the top. PedoPriest looked up, only to see a huge dent being pushed into the plane. Suddenly, it broke and a large green monstrosity crashed through, knocking the Priest onto the ground.

“ **HULK _SMASH!_** ” Hulk shouted. He then tried to punch PedoPriest in the face.

“ **THE POWER OF CHRIST _COMPELS YOU!_** ” PedoPriest then let loose a huge force of light at the Hulk from his Staff, then proceeded to seal the hole that the Hulk made, though not before his dirty magazines flew out of the hole and into the atmosphere. “YOU FOOL! _Now_ how will I seduce the innocent?”

“Simple…” PedoPriest heard a growly voice from behind him. When he turned around, he was promptly punched in the face. “You don’t!” Batman triumphantly declared as PedoPriest landed on his ass.

“You! Where did you come from?” PedoPriest asked.

“I tracked you down and noticed the plane you were hopping on, and so I snuck in.” Batman said.  

“How _dare_ you punch a holy man in the face!?” PedoPriest asked.

“A holy man wouldn’t be kidnapping children to satisfy his libido.” Batman said.

“The Lord sees no problem in this… If he would, he would have sent me a sign and take away my powers!” PedoPriest readied his staff.

“Then perhaps we should do the Lord’s work!” Batman then socked another punch to PedoPriest’s face, but his consecrated light blocked it.

“My divine faith will shield me from your attacks!” PedoPriest said. The Hulk tried to attack from behind, but he too was blocked. “You can’t stop me!” He said.

“No… But I don’t have to!” Batman then took out a spray and shot out some gel on PedoPriest’s feet and they suddenly explode, creating a hole underneath the airplane while stunning PedoPriest. However, the shield prevented him from falling. However, it did shock him enough for the Hulk to pound him right into the shield.

“Okay, I put the plane on autopilot and- What the hell’s going on?!” The pilot of the airplane entered in and saw PedoPriest, Batman, and the Hulk frozen still as they looked at him. Batman and Hulk just moved their irises towards PedoPriest as the person simply blinked.

“Oh, alright, I’ll join in on the fun!” He then ripped off his pilot suit, showing his muscular pecs and claws grew from his nails. The Hulk recognized this person from his battles with Wolverine. At first, Hulk tried to counter whatever he might throw, but to his surprise, the clawed man simply dove in for the jugular, cutting PedoPriest’s throat. However, before any blood could sate his bloodthirst, the cut healed. PedoPriest laughed.

“My Lord is merciful! He spares me and will give me the strength to beat you all!” He then created a huge flash of bright light, knocking the Hulk, Batman, and Sabretooth out of his area. He then floated up into the air. Batman threw some batarangs, but PedoPriest knocked them out with his hallowed light. However, he was too busy focusing on them to get a hit from both the Hulk and Sabretooth.

He was flung right into a pile of crates and fell down. He struggled to get up, but Batman stepped on his back.

“You’re not going anywhere!” Batman said.

“Oh no… I _am_ going somewhere… ROME!” And that’s when Batman got blinded by a sacred flame that came from PedoPriest’s staff. Batman backed up and fell down onto the ground. PedoPriest got up and prepared to strike Batman down once and for all. However, Batman leg swept PedoPriest onto the ground. He then got on top of PedoPriest and wrestled with him.

The Hulk and Sabretooth got in on the wrestling, adding their weight onto the two to completely pin down PedoPriest. Sabretooth clawed at PedoPriest’s staff. Eventually, however, the three were all blasted off of PedoPriest in a burst of light. He stood up. He waved his staff, though by the third twirl, the top half of the staff fell off.

“You can’t stop me! I am a- HOLY SHIT!” That was all he said before the magical barriers wore off and he got sucked out of the plane via the holes that were made. Hulk held down both Batman and Sabretooth while Batman got out some Bat Hole Plug to close off the gaps. Batman then took out his phone.

“Oracle, get the BatPlane to rendezvous with the plane and escort it down, then call the authorities to pick up the children. We’re bringing them home…” Batman said as the Hulk calmed down and reverted back to Bruce Banner. The two looked to Sabretooth before he held his hands up.

“Just for today, I’m _not_ gonna attack you guys.” He said with a cocky smile.

* * *

As the BatPlane guided the other plane down via Barbara Gordon hacking into the plane’s autopilot, the two landed onto the ground. As the doors opened, Batman, Bruce Banner, and Sabretooth all exited the plane, bringing the kids out onto the field as ambulances and police cars piled on.

“Thank you, Batman. You are a life saver!” One of the officers said. Batman tried to find a convenient place to run off and hide, but he was out in an open field. Of course, there was at least one news helicopter filming this, with another helicopter trying to film the heroes from another angle. So, Batman was forced to give act like Superman and talk to the cops like he’s a friendly neighbourhood superhero.

“It was nothing, all in a day’s work.” Admittedly, his growly voice did _not_ match the genuine tone that he gave. Just then, a nurse ran off to the group.

“We have ambulances ready to take the kids.” She said. Bruce Banner held up his hand.

“No worries, they’re safe. A little woozy from being drugged, but they’re good.” He said.

“I’m relieved.” She said. As the cops began to sort out the kids, Batman went to both Bruce Banner and Sabretooth.

“We make a pretty good team. Say, I was considering forming a group of people who can help stop crimes like this from happening…” Batman said. Bruce Banner shook his head.

“Nah, I already have a team to call my own.” Bruce Banner said. Batman then turned his head to Sabretooth, who was beginning to walk away.

“Sorry, I’m just not a team player. Besides, I’m already late for a friend’s birthday.” Sabretooth said before he leaped away like the tiger he was named after.

“Well, take care. I’m a long way from Gotham and I fear some of the criminals are taking note of my absence.” Batman was about to get into the BatPlane, but the nurse proceeded to stop him.

“Erm, Batman, is it?” The nurse asked him.

“Yes?” Batman asked.

“Well, I know a guy who might be able to help team up with you.” She gave him her number. “If you need help, just give me a call…” She said. Batman slowly smirked, though he already had Vicki Vale.

…

Speaking of, she’s still passed out at the ball. Well crap.

“Gotta go!” Batman then rushed to the BatPlane and took off. The nurse took a while to look at the plane before getting out her phone and dialing a number. She placed the phone to her ear and waited for a “hello” from the other side.

“Hey, Stephen? You know that huge superhero team up gig you wanted? Well, I just met a guy who was looking for someone…” She said to him.

**THE END**


End file.
